Ever had seatmates from hell? Meet the newlyweds who turned my 14-hour flight into a nightmare. They thought the plane was their honeymoon suite. When they pushed too far, I decided it was time for some turbulence of my own making to deliver an unforgettable lesson in airplane etiquette.
They say love is in the air, but on my recent flight, it was pure chaos. Hey there! I’m Toby, 35 years old, and I’ve got a wild story that’ll make you think twice about your next flight. So, picture this: I’m on a plane, counting down the minutes until I can hug my wife and kid after being away overseas for what felt like forever. Enter two entitled newlyweds who turned my flight into a full-blown nightmare…
I’d splurged on a premium economy seat for this 14-hour journey. Honestly, when you’re staring down the barrel of that many hours in a metal tube, every extra inch of legroom counts.
As I settled in, feeling pretty good about my decision, the guy next to me cleared his throat.
“Hey there,” he said, flashing a grin. “I’m Dave. Listen, I hate to ask, but would you mind switching seats with my wife? We just got married, and, well… you know.”
I plastered on my best ‘congratulations’ smile. “That’s great, man. Congrats! Where’s your wife sitting?”
Dave pointed towards the back of the plane, his smile faltering a bit. “That’s my Lia back there. In economy.”
Now, I’m not a monster. I get it, newlyweds want to be close. But I’d paid good money for this seat, and I wasn’t about to give it up for free.
“Look, Dave,” I said, trying to keep it friendly. “I paid extra for this seat because I really need the comfort. But hey, if you want to cover the difference, about a thousand Australian dollars, I’d be happy to switch.”
Dave’s face darkened. “A thousand bucks? You’ve got to be kidding me.”
I shrugged. “Sorry, buddy. That’s the deal. Otherwise, I’m staying put.”
As I popped in my earbuds, I caught a glimpse of Dave’s face. Let’s just say, if looks could kill, I’d have been a goner right there and then.
“You’ll regret this,” he muttered, just loud enough for me to hear.
Little did I know, those three words were about to turn my peaceful flight into a war zone at 30,000 feet.
First came the coughing. Not your run-of-the-mill clearing of the throat, mind you. We’re talking full-on, hack-up-a-lung explosions that had me wondering if I should be reaching for a hazmat suit.
“You okay there, Dave?” I asked, trying to keep my cool.
He shot me a look that could curdle milk. “Never better,” he wheezed, before launching into another fit.
Just as I was considering offering him a cough drop (or maybe an entire pharmacy), Dave decided to up the ante. He whipped out his tablet and started blasting some action movie. Without headphones.
The couple across the aisle gave us the stink eye. “Hey, buddy,” the guy said to Dave. “Mind turning that down?”
Dave smiled sweetly. “Sorry, forgot my headphones. Guess we’ll all have to enjoy it together.”
I gritted my teeth, my knuckles turning white as I gripped the armrest. “Dave, come on. This isn’t cool.”
He turned to me, his eyes glinting. “Oh, I’m sorry. Am I making you uncomfortable? That must be awful.”
Before I could respond, a shower of crumbs rained down on my lap. Dave had somehow managed to turn eating pretzels into an Olympic event, scattering more on me than in his mouth.
“Oops,” he said, not even trying to hide his smirk. “Butter fingers.”
I was about to lose it when I heard a giggle from the aisle. There stood Lia, Dave’s blushing bride, looking like the cat that got the cream.
“Is this seat taken?” she purred, plopping herself right onto Dave’s lap.
Now, I’m no prude, but the way they started carrying on, you’d think they’d forgotten they were on a plane full of people. The giggling, the whispering, the… other sounds. It was like being trapped in a bad rom-com, only without the option to change the channel.
I tried to focus on my book, my movie, hell, even the safety card, anything to block out the lovebirds’ show. But after an hour of their antics, I’d had enough.
“That’s it,” I muttered, flagging down a passing flight attendant. “Time to fight fire with fire.”
As the stewardess approached, Dave and Lia dialed up the saccharine act, all googly eyes and sweet nothings.
“Is there a problem, sir?” the attendant asked, eyeing our row with a mix of concern and suspicion.
I took a deep breath, ready to lay it all out. This was going to be good.
“Problem? Oh, where do I start?” I said, loud enough for nearby passengers to hear. “These two have turned this flight into their personal honeymoon suite.”
The stewardess raised an eyebrow, her gaze shifting between me and the cuddling couple.
I continued, ticking off points on my fingers. “We’ve had nonstop coughing, a movie blasting without headphones, a rain of snack crumbs, and now…” I gestured to Lia perched on Dave’s lap, “this lap dance situation.”
Dave’s face flushed red. “We’re newlyweds!” he protested. “We just want to sit together.”
The stewardess’s professional mask slipped for a moment, revealing a flash of annoyance. “Sir, ma’am, I understand you’re celebrating, but there are rules we need to follow.”
Lia batted her eyelashes. “Can’t you make an exception? It’s our special day.”
I couldn’t help but chime in. “It’s been their ‘special day’ for the last one hour.”
The stewardess straightened her uniform and turned to the two lovebirds. “I’m afraid I can’t. It’s against airline policy for an adult passenger to sit on another’s lap. It’s a safety issue.”
Dave’s smug grin faltered. “But—”
“No buts,” the stewardess cut him off. “And since you didn’t pay for this upgraded seat but were moved here, you need to follow all rules strictly.”
I had to bite my lip to keep from grinning. The tables had turned, and boy, was it satisfying.
The stewardess turned to Lia. “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to return to your original seat.”
Lia’s eyes widened. “You can’t be serious! We’re married!”
“Congratulations,” the stewardess replied, her tone making it clear she was done with this conversation. “But marriage doesn’t exempt you from airline safety regulations. Please return to your seat.”
Dave tried to jump in. “Look, we’re sorry if we disturbed anyone. We’ll be quiet now, promise.”
The stewardess shook her head. “I’m afraid that’s not enough. Due to your disruptive behavior, you’ll both need to move to the back of the plane in economy class.”
The color drained from Dave’s face. “Both of us? But I paid—”
“You were upgraded as a courtesy,” the stewardess interrupted. “A courtesy you’ve misused. Now, please gather your things.”
As Dave and Lia reluctantly collected their belongings, I caught snippets of their whispered argument.
“This is all your fault,” Lia hissed.
“My fault? You’re the one who—”
“Enough,” the stewardess cut in. “Please move to the back of the plane.”
As they shuffled past, red-faced and avoiding eye contact, I couldn’t resist one parting shot.
“Enjoy your honeymoon,” I said, wiggling my fingers in a mock wave.
Dave’s glare could have melted steel, but I just smiled and settled back into my now-peaceful seat.
The stewardess turned to me. “Is there anything else you need, sir?”
I grinned, feeling like I’d just won the lottery. “Just some peace and quiet. And maybe a celebratory drink?”
As the stewardess walked away to fetch my drink, I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of guilt. Had I been too harsh? Nah, I shook it off. They’d brought this on themselves.
An older gentleman across the aisle caught my eye and gave me a thumbs-up. “Well played, son,” he chuckled. “Reminds me of my first marriage. We were young and dumb too, but at least we knew how to behave in public.”
I grinned back. “Thanks. I was starting to feel like I was on some hidden camera show.”
The lady next to him leaned over. “Oh honey, you did us all a favor. I was about ready to stuff those pretzels down that boy’s throat myself.”
We all shared a laugh, the tension from earlier melting away. It felt good to have some allies.
The stewardess returned with my drink, a mini bottle of whiskey and a can of cola. “On the house,” she winked. “Consider it a thank you for your patience.”
I raised the bottle in a mock toast. “To peaceful flights and karma,” I said, loud enough for those around me to hear. A chorus of “hear, hear!” rose from nearby seats.
As I mixed my drink, I couldn’t help but wonder about Dave and Lia. Were they huddled in the back, plotting their revenge? Or had they finally realized how ridiculous they’d been acting?
My thoughts were interrupted by a ding from the intercom.
The captain’s voice filled the cabin. “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re expecting some turbulence ahead. Please return to your seats and fasten your seatbelts.”
I chuckled to myself. More turbulence? After what we’d just been through?
The plane started to shake, and I heard a yelp from the back. I twisted in my seat to look. There was Dave, desperately trying to keep his tray table from spilling his drink all over his lap.
I turned back around, sipping my whiskey and coke. “Karma’s a witch!” I muttered.
The turbulence subsided, and the flight fell into a peaceful lull. I was just starting to think about what might happen next when a commotion erupted from the rear.
“I need to use the bathroom!” It was Lia’s voice, shrill and insistent.
I turned to see her standing in the aisle, Dave right behind her. A harried-looking flight attendant, different from the one who’d helped me earlier, was trying to calm her down.
“Ma’am, please return to your seat. The fasten seatbelt sign is still on,” the attendant explained.
“But it’s an emergency!” Lia wailed, doing a little dance for effect.
I caught the old man’s eye. He winked at me, clearly enjoying the show.
Dave chimed in, his voice dripping with faux concern. “Look, my wife has a medical condition. She really needs to use the restroom up front. The one back here is… occupied.”
The flight attendant looked torn. “I understand, but rules are rules. You’ll have to wait until the captain turns off the seatbelt sign.”
Lia’s face crumpled. “But I can’t wait! Please, I’m begging you!”
I had to hand it to her… she was quite the actress. If I hadn’t known better, I might have felt sorry for her.
The attendant sighed, clearly wavering. “Alright, but make it quick. And straight back to your seats after, understood?”
Dave and Lia nodded vigorously, already pushing past her towards the front of the plane. As they approached my row, I couldn’t resist. I stood up, blocking their path.
“Whoa there, folks. Didn’t we already settle this? Back of the plane, remember?” I said, loud enough for nearby passengers to hear.
Dave’s face darkened. “Mind your own business, pal. This doesn’t concern you.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Oh, I think it does. After all, we wouldn’t want any more… disruptions, would we?”
Lia piped up, her voice sickly sweet. “Please, sir. It’s just a quick bathroom break. We promise we’ll go right back.”
I looked at her, then at Dave, then at the approaching flight attendant who’d let them pass. Time to end this charade.
“You know what? You’re right. It is just a bathroom break,” I said, stepping aside. “Go ahead.”
Dave and Lia exchanged triumphant glances as they brushed past me. But I wasn’t done yet. I turned to the flight attendant with a smile.
“Excuse me, I couldn’t help but overhear. Did you say these two have permission to be up here?”
The flight attendant’s brow furrowed. “Well, I… they said it was an emergency.”
I nodded sympathetically. “I see. And are you aware that these two were explicitly told to remain at the back of the plane due to disruptive behavior earlier?”
The attendant’s eyes widened. “No, I wasn’t informed of that.”
Just then, the stewardess who had dealt with Dave and Lia earlier appeared. “Is there a problem here?” she asked, her gaze landing on the couple.
Dave’s face paled. Lia’s “emergency” dance stopped abruptly.
I stepped back, letting the professionals handle it. “I believe these two were just leaving,” I said, unable to keep the smugness out of my voice.
The original stewardess turned to Dave and Lia, her expression stern. “I thought I made myself clear earlier. Back to your seats. Now.”
“But…” Lia started, her act crumbling.
“No buts,” the stewardess cut her off. “Or would you prefer we discuss this with the air marshal?”
That did it. Without another word, Dave and Lia slunk back to their economy seats, defeated.
As the plane began its descent into California, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of satisfaction. The rest of the flight had been blessedly peaceful, and I was more than ready to see my family.
The captain’s voice came over the intercom: “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re beginning our final approach to Los Angeles International Airport. Please ensure your seats are in the upright position and your seatbelts are fastened.”
As we taxied to the gate, I gathered my things, eager to be off the plane. The stewardess who had been our saving grace approached me.
“Thank you for your patience today,” she said with a genuine smile. “We hope you had a comfortable flight despite the… earlier disturbances.”
I grinned back. “Thanks to you, I did. You handled that situation perfectly.”
She beamed at the compliment. “Have a great day, sir!”
I stood up, stretching after the long flight. As I made my way down the aisle, I caught sight of Dave and Lia, still avoiding eye contact with everyone.
For a moment, I felt a twinge of sympathy. They were young, probably just overly excited about their honeymoon. But then I remembered their bratty behavior and the sympathy evaporated.
As I passed their row, I couldn’t resist one last parting shot. “Hope you guys learned something today. Enjoy your honeymoon!”
Dave’s face turned an impressive shade of red, but he kept his mouth shut. Smart move.
And with that, I left the plane, feeling victorious and ready to enjoy the rest of my trip. As I walked into the terminal, I couldn’t help but chuckle. It had been one hell of a flight, but in the end, common decency and a little bit of karma had won out.
I spotted my wife and kid waiting for me, their faces lighting up as they saw me. All thoughts of Dave and Lia faded away. I was home, and that was all that mattered.
